MERCY!

I love you
but i gotta stay true
my morals got me on my knees
im begging please stop playing games
i dont know what this is
cos you got me good
just like you knew you would
i dont know what you do
but you do it well
I’m under your spell

Chorus
You got me begging you for mercy
why wont you relase me
you got me begging you for mercy
why wont you release me
I said release me

Now you think that i will be something on the side
but you got to understand
that i need a man
who can take my hand yes i do...................


'Mercy' is playing again and again in my head, as I received 4 messages from Z since last nite.

Early this week, I thought I am so over Z. I was back to my focus and confident self and so ready to move forward. Then, on Tuesday, I changed my handphone number and notified all my contacts. And, of course, I included him.

So, Z messaged me to ask if I have 'terminated my old phone'.
Cheeky me had to answer: 'I did not terminate my phone. It is still in good condition. I only switch phone line'....
He replied: Ok. I'll saved your new number. How are you?
I sms-ed: I'm busy, etc. How's married life?

Then, we exchanged a few sms-es , until I decided to end it and said, 'nite nite ex-darling!'
His last message however went something like 'I'll sms you tomorrow if you are ok with it'.
I decided not to answer.

Moving forward to today, after his 4 messages, which i only replied to once, I am feeling so insecured of my own weakness towards him, and the whole day I keep reminding myself that he is somebody's husband.

The fact that I am feeling depress due to my argument with my parents this morning, has also play a part in clouding my judgment and repressing my ability to think rationally and wisely. So, I am just stressed...

I am so in need of a distraction right now....

AnywayS, to re-cap my to do list: I lost 1 kg after 5 days of my 'no rice diet plan', so 3 more kgs to go before May 5, i.e. the day I start work at my new office.

Miss Independent...

After a divorce and a break-up, it is back to being single and independent for me, without no husband and no boyfriend. So, how do I feel, exactly after 8 days without a man?

Honestly... lonely and anxious to move on to my new office, i.e. KLCC...so I can have a fresh start, without having to worry that I will get 'emotional' should I cross path with Z in my line of duty.

I know I am not supposed to depend on what Madam S told me, but since everthing she said coincides with what have been happening with my life so far, I am worried about my own action within this 3 weeks period. According to her, it is critical that I fight my own demons, because I, myself will cause trouble within this period should I not fight the temptation to entertain Z who would just love to stay 'friends' with me. She said, he will try to touch base with me and wants to meet me soon...

I am trying to occupy myself by hanging out with my BFFs, 'B' & 'H', on top of having my boss, N (who confessed that I am like a niece to her and she loves me dearly) guarding me like a strict guardian angel, especially when it comes to Z. Anyway, B is a girl and H is a gay guy, and both of them are the nicest, most understanding, supportive, fun and crazy friends I have. Since the past two weeks, they too have became close to my boss, N.

But, of course, I do think about Z and the thought of him loving somebody else more than me saddened me. Regardless, B, H, and N keep telling me I deserve way better than him, and always remind me indirectly that I am way over his league. But here I am feeling just blah.

I am in dire need of a distraction, and I can't think of anything better than to meet new men. Online is a no- no since I've tried that and they are just so many weirdos outhere... So, other than at the workplace, I just do not know how this is possible at this point of time. By any chance somebody is reading my rambling today, any suggestions????

In the meantime, my personal to-do list to distract myself (other than hanging our with B, H and N) for this 3 weeks period:-

1- Go get a manicure
2- Change my hairstyle
3- Lose 4 kg asap!
4- Look for a bracelet for my ruby stone
(Madam S told me I need a ruby to be a stronger, decisive and confident person, since I am feeling weak and confuse at this point of time)
5- Go get a facial and upgrade my daily beauty regime to get radiant skin
6- Read a book