I love you
but i gotta stay true
my morals got me on my knees
im begging please stop playing games
i dont know what this is
cos you got me good
just like you knew you would
i dont know what you do
but you do it well
I’m under your spell
Chorus
You got me begging you for mercy
why wont you relase me
you got me begging you for mercy
why wont you release me
I said release me
Now you think that i will be something on the side
but you got to understand
that i need a man
who can take my hand yes i do...................
'Mercy' is playing again and again in my head, as I received 4 messages from Z since last nite.
Early this week, I thought I am so over Z. I was back to my focus and confident self and so ready to move forward. Then, on Tuesday, I changed my handphone number and notified all my contacts. And, of course, I included him.
So, Z messaged me to ask if I have 'terminated my old phone'.
Cheeky me had to answer: 'I did not terminate my phone. It is still in good condition. I only switch phone line'....
He replied: Ok. I'll saved your new number. How are you?
I sms-ed: I'm busy, etc. How's married life?
Then, we exchanged a few sms-es , until I decided to end it and said, 'nite nite ex-darling!'
His last message however went something like 'I'll sms you tomorrow if you are ok with it'.
I decided not to answer.
Moving forward to today, after his 4 messages, which i only replied to once, I am feeling so insecured of my own weakness towards him, and the whole day I keep reminding myself that he is somebody's husband.
The fact that I am feeling depress due to my argument with my parents this morning, has also play a part in clouding my judgment and repressing my ability to think rationally and wisely. So, I am just stressed...
I am so in need of a distraction right now....
AnywayS, to re-cap my to do list: I lost 1 kg after 5 days of my 'no rice diet plan', so 3 more kgs to go before May 5, i.e. the day I start work at my new office.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Miss Independent...
After a divorce and a break-up, it is back to being single and independent for me, without no husband and no boyfriend. So, how do I feel, exactly after 8 days without a man?
Honestly... lonely and anxious to move on to my new office, i.e. KLCC...so I can have a fresh start, without having to worry that I will get 'emotional' should I cross path with Z in my line of duty.
I know I am not supposed to depend on what Madam S told me, but since everthing she said coincides with what have been happening with my life so far, I am worried about my own action within this 3 weeks period. According to her, it is critical that I fight my own demons, because I, myself will cause trouble within this period should I not fight the temptation to entertain Z who would just love to stay 'friends' with me. She said, he will try to touch base with me and wants to meet me soon...
I am trying to occupy myself by hanging out with my BFFs, 'B' & 'H', on top of having my boss, N (who confessed that I am like a niece to her and she loves me dearly) guarding me like a strict guardian angel, especially when it comes to Z. Anyway, B is a girl and H is a gay guy, and both of them are the nicest, most understanding, supportive, fun and crazy friends I have. Since the past two weeks, they too have became close to my boss, N.
But, of course, I do think about Z and the thought of him loving somebody else more than me saddened me. Regardless, B, H, and N keep telling me I deserve way better than him, and always remind me indirectly that I am way over his league. But here I am feeling just blah.
I am in dire need of a distraction, and I can't think of anything better than to meet new men. Online is a no- no since I've tried that and they are just so many weirdos outhere... So, other than at the workplace, I just do not know how this is possible at this point of time. By any chance somebody is reading my rambling today, any suggestions????
In the meantime, my personal to-do list to distract myself (other than hanging our with B, H and N) for this 3 weeks period:-
1- Go get a manicure
2- Change my hairstyle
3- Lose 4 kg asap!
4- Look for a bracelet for my ruby stone
(Madam S told me I need a ruby to be a stronger, decisive and confident person, since I am feeling weak and confuse at this point of time)
5- Go get a facial and upgrade my daily beauty regime to get radiant skin
6- Read a book
Honestly... lonely and anxious to move on to my new office, i.e. KLCC...so I can have a fresh start, without having to worry that I will get 'emotional' should I cross path with Z in my line of duty.
I know I am not supposed to depend on what Madam S told me, but since everthing she said coincides with what have been happening with my life so far, I am worried about my own action within this 3 weeks period. According to her, it is critical that I fight my own demons, because I, myself will cause trouble within this period should I not fight the temptation to entertain Z who would just love to stay 'friends' with me. She said, he will try to touch base with me and wants to meet me soon...
I am trying to occupy myself by hanging out with my BFFs, 'B' & 'H', on top of having my boss, N (who confessed that I am like a niece to her and she loves me dearly) guarding me like a strict guardian angel, especially when it comes to Z. Anyway, B is a girl and H is a gay guy, and both of them are the nicest, most understanding, supportive, fun and crazy friends I have. Since the past two weeks, they too have became close to my boss, N.
But, of course, I do think about Z and the thought of him loving somebody else more than me saddened me. Regardless, B, H, and N keep telling me I deserve way better than him, and always remind me indirectly that I am way over his league. But here I am feeling just blah.
I am in dire need of a distraction, and I can't think of anything better than to meet new men. Online is a no- no since I've tried that and they are just so many weirdos outhere... So, other than at the workplace, I just do not know how this is possible at this point of time. By any chance somebody is reading my rambling today, any suggestions????
In the meantime, my personal to-do list to distract myself (other than hanging our with B, H and N) for this 3 weeks period:-
1- Go get a manicure
2- Change my hairstyle
3- Lose 4 kg asap!
4- Look for a bracelet for my ruby stone
(Madam S told me I need a ruby to be a stronger, decisive and confident person, since I am feeling weak and confuse at this point of time)
5- Go get a facial and upgrade my daily beauty regime to get radiant skin
6- Read a book
Sunday, March 30, 2008
3 days after : Stuck on Z
3 days after the big D, my social contact, i.e. Z, who is servicing me (as I am the PR manager of the co I work for) , and had been very supportive throughout my pre-divorce stage being a divorcee himself , called me about the interview spot for my CEO. He 'sells' TV ad space btw.
This is when I decided to announce my new single status to him, like I did that week to all my close social contacts, since I was just so happy and relief after a few months of court and family drama. Little that I know, this particular phone conversation with him is a start of a new relationship, so so soon after the official D!
In short, Z, who is 37 years old, pursued me like mad weeks after...he's charming, cute and cuddly, persistent, funny, fun, caring and he sms-ed me like 50 times a day for the first 2 weeks of our new relationship... One huge problem though...at that point of time, he is getting married to a 26 years old in 1 1/2 months time.
So, why on earth I let this relationship bloomed in the first place???... from friendship to god knows what???... I was flattered by his attention, after so very long being the distressed wife and mum. On top, his personality and behaviour are the exact opposite of my ex's...not to mention, he is freakin PERSISTENT!... So, I cant help but to have feelings for him...
I told myself I'll use him as my 'training ground', since I have not been single for 9 years ...but all the flirting turned into something serious, as he confessed his love for me, and weak old me responded...
Reality hit me two weeks before his wedding day, i.e. 29 March, that he will never leave his fiancee for me. I never did have the courage to ask him to leave her for me. I did not want to actually. Rationally, I know he is not the perfect guy for me. He was looking for something serious, while I just got out from an awful marriage, and want to take things slow... So, we broke up and and decleared ourselves as friends, both acted nonchalant, calling each other everyday, but limit ourselves to 'friends only topics' when we talk and meet...
Five days before 29 March, I went for a 'card reading' with my super cool boss, N... I've done this once before, and this lady was spot on about everything in my life. I wanted to know how Z was doing with us being just friends. Surprisingly, the lady told me that my friendship with him, should it continue, will contribute to the cause of the breakup of his current marriage, and very soon after that, Z and I will get hitched...however.... what goes around comes around, and another girl will attempt to steal him away from me after that, and our marriage itself will not last...
The possibility of this being far fetched has crossed my mind, but putting the karma concept into the picture, I believe it can become a reality, one way or the other. Hence, last Thursday, 4 days before his big day, I decided to break all ties with him... He didn't want to say goodbye, instead he said 'take care'. I did cried, but briefly. And because I deal with him in my line of duty, I will be meeting him soon enough...well, that would be another drama I have to face in the near future.
Moving forward to today, of course I am still thinking about him, since he has been an 'exciting' part of my new found single life... I am still feeling blue since Friday, not to the extent of crying, but just blue and gloomy...he's been my daily routine for 1 1/2 months now, and had been there to help me throughout my divorce, as a caring friend. So, I guess my sadness now is more towards losing his friendship and companion.
Last nite, mainly due to this whole experience and the fact that I watched 27 dresses last weekend, I had a dream I was getting married..I never got to see the groom's face, but I was happy and contented, in my white wedding gown... my friends were there, and Adibah Nor was singing in the background as my mysterious groom and I walked down the aisle... funny rite???
Ah well, my day will come in 2 years time, according to Madam S, the card reader...we'll see...
This is when I decided to announce my new single status to him, like I did that week to all my close social contacts, since I was just so happy and relief after a few months of court and family drama. Little that I know, this particular phone conversation with him is a start of a new relationship, so so soon after the official D!
In short, Z, who is 37 years old, pursued me like mad weeks after...he's charming, cute and cuddly, persistent, funny, fun, caring and he sms-ed me like 50 times a day for the first 2 weeks of our new relationship... One huge problem though...at that point of time, he is getting married to a 26 years old in 1 1/2 months time.
So, why on earth I let this relationship bloomed in the first place???... from friendship to god knows what???... I was flattered by his attention, after so very long being the distressed wife and mum. On top, his personality and behaviour are the exact opposite of my ex's...not to mention, he is freakin PERSISTENT!... So, I cant help but to have feelings for him...
I told myself I'll use him as my 'training ground', since I have not been single for 9 years ...but all the flirting turned into something serious, as he confessed his love for me, and weak old me responded...
Reality hit me two weeks before his wedding day, i.e. 29 March, that he will never leave his fiancee for me. I never did have the courage to ask him to leave her for me. I did not want to actually. Rationally, I know he is not the perfect guy for me. He was looking for something serious, while I just got out from an awful marriage, and want to take things slow... So, we broke up and and decleared ourselves as friends, both acted nonchalant, calling each other everyday, but limit ourselves to 'friends only topics' when we talk and meet...
Five days before 29 March, I went for a 'card reading' with my super cool boss, N... I've done this once before, and this lady was spot on about everything in my life. I wanted to know how Z was doing with us being just friends. Surprisingly, the lady told me that my friendship with him, should it continue, will contribute to the cause of the breakup of his current marriage, and very soon after that, Z and I will get hitched...however.... what goes around comes around, and another girl will attempt to steal him away from me after that, and our marriage itself will not last...
The possibility of this being far fetched has crossed my mind, but putting the karma concept into the picture, I believe it can become a reality, one way or the other. Hence, last Thursday, 4 days before his big day, I decided to break all ties with him... He didn't want to say goodbye, instead he said 'take care'. I did cried, but briefly. And because I deal with him in my line of duty, I will be meeting him soon enough...well, that would be another drama I have to face in the near future.
Moving forward to today, of course I am still thinking about him, since he has been an 'exciting' part of my new found single life... I am still feeling blue since Friday, not to the extent of crying, but just blue and gloomy...he's been my daily routine for 1 1/2 months now, and had been there to help me throughout my divorce, as a caring friend. So, I guess my sadness now is more towards losing his friendship and companion.
Last nite, mainly due to this whole experience and the fact that I watched 27 dresses last weekend, I had a dream I was getting married..I never got to see the groom's face, but I was happy and contented, in my white wedding gown... my friends were there, and Adibah Nor was singing in the background as my mysterious groom and I walked down the aisle... funny rite???
Ah well, my day will come in 2 years time, according to Madam S, the card reader...we'll see...
About The Newly Single Mum
Let me introduce, or 're-introduce' myself. I am L, newly single...officially on Feb 2008, unofficially: 3 years back.....a mummy of 2 darlings, 7 and 3 years old, working in the PR scene...
If you're trying to imagine how I look, I am 31 years old, 5'6, 56-57kgs depending on my eating habits (forever trying lose weight, as my ideal weight is 52kg), long legs, malay origin, fair, have been confused with being a Chindian quite a number of times... and, have been mistaken as a fellow cabin crew every single time I board a MAS flight...
According to a facebook survey on me, friends have described me as attractive, entertaining, crazy, assertive, flirtatious, free spirited, independent, responsible, hyper, stylish ...my sense of style: chic, trendy and elegant (well, I try my best) ... think Zara, Topshop, Dorothy Perkins, Tangs, Forever 21, since these are the shops I can afford on my salary so far... and since my divorce, my skirts got shorter on weekends, (but not short short! ) as I no longer am attached to a husband who is somewhat conservative and calculative... I get to be myself...my bubbly, crazy, girlish and fun self, after 9 official years of interesting and rocky 'wedding bliss' that is...
Favourite hangout places with single friends: Labodega-sss, Pelita Bangsar, Starbucks-ssss...
Enough about me, since I have a feeling that this blog will be read mostly by my friends anyway, so, " darlings!!! feel free to add in ..."
If you're trying to imagine how I look, I am 31 years old, 5'6, 56-57kgs depending on my eating habits (forever trying lose weight, as my ideal weight is 52kg), long legs, malay origin, fair, have been confused with being a Chindian quite a number of times... and, have been mistaken as a fellow cabin crew every single time I board a MAS flight...
According to a facebook survey on me, friends have described me as attractive, entertaining, crazy, assertive, flirtatious, free spirited, independent, responsible, hyper, stylish ...my sense of style: chic, trendy and elegant (well, I try my best) ... think Zara, Topshop, Dorothy Perkins, Tangs, Forever 21, since these are the shops I can afford on my salary so far... and since my divorce, my skirts got shorter on weekends, (but not short short! ) as I no longer am attached to a husband who is somewhat conservative and calculative... I get to be myself...my bubbly, crazy, girlish and fun self, after 9 official years of interesting and rocky 'wedding bliss' that is...
Favourite hangout places with single friends: Labodega-sss, Pelita Bangsar, Starbucks-ssss...
Enough about me, since I have a feeling that this blog will be read mostly by my friends anyway, so, " darlings!!! feel free to add in ..."
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